ADHD and maybe I'm not the whole problem after all
How I uncovered bold truths and stopped accepting blame for others' failures
Healing is a progressive process, or so my therapist tells me. It’s not a destination, and I know I’m not (nor will I ever be) done. But I have to celebrate a small plateau I’ve reached on my arduous trek onward and upward, a milestone that marks the accumulation of wisdom I didn’t have before.
Terry Crews said in an interview on The Drew Barrymore Show that he uses a helpful phrase to understand the limitations of others and evolve in his relationships like the one he shares with his wife of 29 years:
“Everyone on Earth is doing the best they can with the wisdom they have. Everyone.” - Terry Crews
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This phrase sums up the work I’m trying to do to humanize those who have let me down, forgive my resentments, and move beyond past hurts.
He also said, “As the wisdom grew, I changed. That also allowed me to forgive myself.”
Through my multi-year journey of self-discovery, diagnoses, medication, therapy, and (lots of) reading… I’ve become a bit wiser. And I’ve finally arrived at a place of absolution for the most important person in my life: me.
You see, somewhere along the way, I allowed my trauma to convince me of my depreciated worth. I formed a mangled sense of self and gathered all the negative interactions in my life as proof points. I became a Frankenstein’s monster, a disgusting mashup of all the worst things I ever could believe about myself.
When I officially got my ADHD diagnosis two years ago, I was relieved. I finally had an answer that explained where all that green, rotting flesh came from. THE answer.
I used my diagnosis as a reinforcement of a long-held belief that there MUST be something wrong with me—a confirmation bias born out of unhealed wounds from my past. All my troubles were just from… me.
But slowly I began to realize that was not the final answer. It was not the end of my healing road but the start, the first slice of the stitch ripper tearing open the sutures of my monster skin. Have I stretched this loosely-connected Halloween metaphor far enough?
Through my trauma therapy, I’m slowly uncovering the truth: maybe I’m not the whole problem. Maybe there’s a lot more to my story.
And as I unearth this truth, other salient ones are beginning to reveal themselves:
Everyone around me is also human with their own set of limitations, failures, and faults.
When others let me down in the past, it was not because that’s what I deserved.
I don’t have to perform, achieve, or produce to be worthy of love.
Being treated poorly by others is a reflection of those individuals, not of my worth.
I don’t have to play a role or abandon my needs to appease others.
I can set and hold boundaries and still be loved.
I may not have the perfect relationship with everyone in my life, and that’s alright. The most important relationship to prioritize is the one with myself.
It’s okay if not everyone understands or even likes the healed version of me.
There was never anything wrong with me.
Everything I was and am is a product of my natural chemistry, yes, but also my environment. I don’t have to assume fault for how others’ failures impacted me or accept blame for their offenses or dereliction. I no longer must believe the protective stories they tell themselves to be okay with how they let me down.
And I don’t have to yearn for their amends, apologies, or even acknowledgement of their wrongs in order to be okay. The important thing is I’m healing, and I know the truth.
We were all doing the best we could with the wisdom we had.
I can’t force others to seek wisdom. But I can forgive myself for ever accepting full responsibility. I’m wiser now.