ADHD and ghosting your favorites
Accepting bad days and getting back on track after going off the rails
I never promised to be “on time” according to any set cadence with this newsletter. I had been keeping to an every-other-Monday schedule, though, and according to that I’m a few days late, which isn’t crazy for someone with ADHD… but there’s a reason.
I’ve already shared what an ADHD good day looks like. Those days are fun. They’re the days when you feel you can tackle anything, when you feel both totally content with all you have going on and excited to take on more. On good days, you have a hyperfixation, but it hasn’t totally ruined your life yet - we’ll call it the honeymoon hyperfixation stage.
On good days, you actually believe some of the “ADHD is a superpower” rhetoric.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been having some ADHD bad days. The kind of days that make you ghost all your favorites… favorite friends, favorite hobbies, favorite TV shows, favorite projects. You turn into a phantom, a shadow of your “good day” self haunting the halls of your house that now has walls which overnight changed from blue to gray. I stopped writing. I just wasn’t into it. I wasn’t into ANYTHING. I felt I had nothing valuable to share. I lost the spark of hyperfixation.
An ADHD bad day used to get me double down. First, because, well, it’s a bad day. And second, because I’d be disappointed in myself for having the bad day. I saw it as a loss of progress. I saw it as a setback.
I’m coming to realize and accept that ADHD is a rollercoaster. It’s sometimes fun, sometimes nerve wracking. Sometimes you’re click-click-clicking your way to the peak of the hill, and you’re on top of the world. Other times you’re plummeting straight for the earth holding on for dear life.
At times you’re completely off the rails.
These highs and lows are to be expected as part of a condition that is marked by intense emotions. It’s also due to something that Douglas Cootey calls the “hyperfocus hangover” - the inevitable crash those of us with ADHD get when we’ve completed a task, goal or major life event.
But I haven’t “finished” any big task recently, have I? And then I remembered.
My last post was about my current “mid-life crisis”… which is more like a transition period in my motherhood. I’m coming out of the all-consuming hyperfocus required of being a little kid mom and moving into a new phase, something I’ve never been good at. The task was so big, I guess I didn’t even see it as one whole thing.
Cootey shares a similar story of his own personal parenting transition along with some great ways to help avoid a crash like this by planning for it, having your next project ready and giving yourself a stimulating reward, but I have a few of my own to add. My suggestions are less about avoiding the crash and more about accepting its inevitability and pulling yourself back together in its aftermath.
Here’s what I do after a crash to get the coaster back on track:
1. Self care check and reset - Take care of the basics. Are you sleeping? Are you eating well? Are you moving your body? Have you left the house or called a friend? Fix one of these things and life will likely start looking up. For me, it’s almost always sleep (or lack thereof) that determines how my day will go.
2. Sit in the sh*t and wait - When you know this is just part of the condition, it makes it easier to accept. Get comfortable being uncomfortable and wait for this crappy feeling to pass. Ride it out.
3. Fake it ‘til you make it - Go through the motions. This could be unpopular advice, but if you don’t feel like doing the things you normally enjoy (like calling a friend, writing your newsletter, exercising, etc.), try doing them anyway. Chances are the simple act of “doing” will help boost your dopamine to somewhat acceptable human levels.
4. Shake things up - Do something (a little) crazy or out of the ordinary. Take an exciting risk like applying to grad school or submitting a poem to a poetry contest. Try something new like enrolling in a pottery class or baking sourdough bread from scratch. Like a pair of jumper cables for your soul, these things can give you a much-needed jolt.
5. Take a break - Walk away, chill out and come back to things when you feel the spark again. Don’t beat yourself up, and allow yourself to forget the stuff you feel you “should be” doing. Nothing is permanent - which is good and bad news - but that means you won’t feel this way forever. It’s okay to “do nothing” if that’s all you have energy for right now. There’s nothing more important than your mental health, and sometimes we just need a freaking rest.
Finally, remember that you’re not alone in how you feel. This crash…it’s a symptom of the shared condition we have. It’s not a personal failure, and it’s not something you can “try harder” to prevent from occuring.
When we accept ADHD as the rollercoaster it is… it makes the ride - a ride we’re all on together - a little more bearable.
We’ll be clicking our way to the top again soon. Maybe one day, we’ll even toss our hands in the air on the way down.