My Story
Attention, everyone!
When I was two, I had already been labeled the difficult child. Negative attention-seeking behaviors were my jam.
When I was nine, my fifth grade teacher told me I was eligible for the gifted program, but she couldn’t recommend me. I didn’t put in enough effort - didn’t give enough attention to my schoolwork.
When I was ten, my friends reported me to the school for saying I wanted to jump in front of a bus. I must have been saying it to get attention.
In high school and college, I was a slacker who got really good grades. Top of the class or just skating by depending on the subject matter or teacher. Always doodling. Selective attention.
In my early career, I honed my hyperfocus, something I’d previously put on things I did for fun - like writing, singing, chasing after boys, my advertising club in college. I had to succeed. It took all my concentration. All my attention.
When I became a mom, there was a new level of hyper-focused attention required. No room for error. The anxiety rose in me like a yeasty dough blob. Until it spilled over… suffocating everything else.
There wasn’t enough of me to do all I wanted to do, all I was committed to. Too many demands on my attention.
Is it possible to pay too much attention? You can’t give 120% of yourself to every facet of your life without burning out. At my six-week postpartum visit, I nearly failed my Edinburgh test for postpartum depression (PPD), but my doctor said nothing about it.
Was anyone paying attention?
I put my full attention on getting my mental health figured out.
It would take five more years of therapy, doctors appointments, and soul-searching to figure out what had always been a factor: Inattention. Primarily inattentive ADHD.
I was 35 when I took my first deep breath of self-acceptance. I was 35 before I truly felt carefree. I was 35 when I was allowed to bring my attention back to what matters most in life: joy, family, love, purpose.
I wonder how different my life might have been had I known sooner… if anyone had been paying that ever-so-important currency of attention.
Attention, Everybody! is a newsletter for me to share my late diagnosis story. To explore what others missed or simply could not have known. To examine my experiences now that I have the language to explain them. To share what makes us all human, what makes us one. And to perhaps help you feel less alone. To allow you space and permission to shine a light on your own life. To bring it into full view, so you can guide yourself to your purpose and choose where you want to put your attention.